7 Things Your Teen Wants You to Know (From a Licensed Therapist Specialized in Treating Teens)
As parents, we’ve all been teens at one point…but raising teenagers can still feel like a total mystery at times. This time of their lives is crucial for exploring who they are and creating an identity of their own, but it’s equally as important to have your unconditional love and support (even if they pretend not to care). Practice owner and licensed clinical social worker Sara Schreiber shares 7 things teenagers want their parents to know but struggle to communicate themselves. .
1. How You Respond When I Share Things Affects Me
What Teens are Saying: “When you make a face at a story I’m telling you, it’s going to make me want to tell you fewer things about my life.”
Digging Deeper: When your teen tells you something about their life, it’s important to be mindful of your reaction, but it’s even more important to be mindful of how they perceive your reaction. This isn’t just because your teens are being too sensitive–it’s actually biological. Teen brains use less of the prefrontal cortex when reading emotions, which means that they can’t always correctly read adult facial expressions, leading to miscommunication and misinterpretation. To highlight this even further, one study found that when shown a series of facial expressions, 100% of adults were able to correctly label fear, while only 50% of teens were able to correctly identify this emotion. So, the next time your teens shares something and doesn’t seem happy with your reaction, try clarifying what you meant to express and communicate that you appreciate them sharing with you.
2. “Because I Said So” Won’t Make Me Accept “No”
What Teens are Saying: “When I want something that you don’t want to give me, listen to what I have to say about it anyways instead of shooting me down right away. I want to know that you hear me and understand me.”
Digging Deeper: As parents, it’s common to feel like our kids should respect our decisions and take no for an answer without argument. While this approach might seem easy at the time, it can lead to more problems down the road because it communicates the message that you don’t care about how your teen feels. Instead of just saying no, allow for an open conversation and listen to what your teen has to say. Once they’ve said their piece, even if you still plan to stick with your decision, reflect what they are saying to you and empathize with how they are feeling. This will make your teen feel heard and validated, and when they feel this way, it will be easier for them to accept and hear your side of it, even if they disagree with you.
3. I Want to Make You Proud–And Hear That You are Proud of Me
What Teens are Saying: “When you’re proud of me, I feel it deeply, even if on the outside it doesn’t seem that way.”
Digging Deeper: Teens often project that they don’t want or need affection from their parents, but research shows that it’s important to offer it anyway–especially if you hope to have a close relationship with them in the future. One study found that adolescents who experienced higher levels of parental warmth in their teen years reported feeling more closeness and warmth with their parents in their 20’s. Knowing that they are making you proud is especially impactful, as it validates that they are doing a good job and that you are confident in their abilities.
4. Questioning My Judgment Lowers My Confidence
What Teens are Saying: “When you question my judgment, it makes me feel incapable of making good choices. Instead, ask me open-ended questions about what I’m doing so we can have a conversation about it and I don’t feel judged.”
Digging Deeper: It’s no secret that teens don’t always make the best decisions (remember, that prefrontal cortex is still developing!); however, how you communicate that you are concerned about your child’s decisions is crucial for their mental health and self-esteem. Research has shown that adolescents who have parents who show attempted understanding of their decisions and behaviors have less externalizing and internalizing of problems, and this even seems to have a preventative effect on mental health problems. So while you might not agree with some of your teen’s choices, try to have a conversation about what led them to make those choices before reacting.
5. Asking Me “What’s Wrong” Won’t Make Me Tell You
What Teens are Saying: “If I seem upset about something, asking me “what’s wrong” may not work. Instead, tell me that you see I’m upset and that you’re here for me if I want to talk to you about it.”
Digging Deeper: While asking “What’s wrong?” might seem like an innocent enough question, it can actually feel like an attack to a teen who is struggling with something–especially if they’re still processing what that is. When people are upset, feeling like you’re being pressed for answers can cause you to feel even more anxious and overwhelmed. If you think that something is bothering your teen, letting them know that you’re there if they want to talk gives them time to process what they’re feeling and will make them feel more comfortable coming to you when they are ready to talk about it.
6. Talking Badly About My Friends Feels Personal
What Teens are Saying: “When you make negative comments about my friends, it makes me feel bad about myself.”
Digging Deeper: Friendships are important during teenage years because this is really the first time that we start to form relationships without the help of our parents or teachers. We start to navigate towards people that we feel similar to, so when you pass judgements on your teen’s friends, it feels like you’re saying those things about your child, too. If you have concerns about who your teen is hanging out with, try to keep conversations as objective and clear as possible. For example, rather than saying that you don’t like a specific person, clearly communicate that you do not like a specific behavior and what you are worried that the consequences may be. This helps shift the perspective from “you and your friends are bad” to “this type of behavior is bad and I am concerned about it.”
7. My Problems May Be Small to You, But They’re Big to Me
What Teens are Saying: “My friend ‘drama’ is real for me, and making me feel invalidated or being dismissive of it makes me feel worse.”
Digging Deeper: The ability to look back and see how insignificant a problem was in the long run is a privilege that comes with age, and your teen does not have that yet. Everything they are experiencing now is important to them, so while you may think that you’re being helpful by telling them that it doesn’t really matter, it’s actually just communicating that you don’t care. This brings us back to biology, too (hello again, prefrontal cortex!!)--adolescents experience changes in their brains that lead them to focus more on peer relationships and social experiences. So while your well-earned wisdom may be helpful to share with your teen, it’s probably not the best time to impart that wisdom in the middle of a perceived crisis. Instead, try remembering how you experienced problems as a teen and validate your child’s feelings. They most likely aren’t sharing their drama with you because they want you to “fix” it—they just want to feel heard and supported.
Getting Extra Support
Think that your teen might need more help than you know how to give? It might be a good idea to find a therapist. Therapy can help provide your teen with skills to help cope with the ups and downs of adolescence, and it also provides them with a safe space to talk about what’s going on with someone who can offer an outside perspective. At Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy, we specialize in working with teens and have therapists available for individual therapy, as well as group therapy for teens.
Asking for help can be scary, but we’re here to support you every step of the way! Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute call with our intake coordinator to learn about what services might be right for you.
