Home for the Holidays: Managing Expectations While Your College Student is on Winter Break
“Walk in the door hand my bag to the valet
In case your wondering it’s my daddy
Head straight to the fridge like a boss, yo
Hell Yeah! My mom went to Costco
It ain’t my house, but I’ll tear it up
Get a plate real dirty won’t clean it up
Then I roll up to the washer, laundry game on lock
Gonna do a whole load for just one sock”
This famous SNL skit truly reflects a common clash between parents and their college students: "My child is so independent in college, but when they come home for the holidays, they don’t seem interested in being a part of the family unit." This dynamic can cause frustration and resentment on both sides. College students often return home immersed in their own bubble, unaware of family norms or expectations. After all, they’ve been living a pretty independent life for the past few months. Meanwhile, parents may quietly stew over their child’s behavior until tensions boil over, startling the college student who didn’t even realize there was a problem.
How to Navigate This Transition
One great skill to use during the holidays is the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) technique called Observe, Describe, Participate. The premise of this mindfulness-based skill is that we often worsen situations by passing judgment or overanalyzing. For example, if your college student chooses to sit out on a family tradition this year, it’s easy to spiral into ruminations like:
"Why doesn’t he like us anymore?"
"Is he too cool for us now?"
"Are we boring?"
"What kind of kid have I raised that chooses to skip family time?"
Instead, using Observe, Describe, Participate might look something like this:
Observe: What exactly am I noticing here, both internally and externally, without reading into the situation? (Note that we can never observe someone else’s thoughts or intentions.)
Describe: Internally, I feel sad that my son doesn’t want to participate with the family. Externally, I notice that he has wanted to do his own thing a little more.
Participate: I can still throw myself wholeheartedly into this activity, even if my son is not joining us.
Breaking the Cycle of Assumptions
What often creates spirals and ruminations are the assumptions we make or the stories we tell ourselves about a situation. By focusing on describing exactly what we see without attaching interpretations or judgments, we can de-escalate our emotional reactions.
For instance, rather than thinking, "He doesn’t care about our family traditions anymore," you might simply observe, "He seems to be prioritizing time with his friends." This subtle shift in perspective can help reduce feelings of resentment and open the door to a more productive conversation—or even just acceptance.
Making the Holidays Pleasant for Everyone
The transition of having your college student home again can feel jarring. However, by utilizing mindfulness skills like Observe, Describe, Participate, you have the power to make the holiday experience more pleasant for yourself, regardless of what your child does or doesn’t do.
Remember, your child’s behavior is not necessarily a reflection of their feelings about you or the family. Often, it’s just a sign of them navigating their growing independence. By staying present and releasing judgments, you can create a more harmonious holiday season for everyone.
Final Thoughts
Does this DBT skill resonate with you? Are you interested in learning more? At Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy, we have several therapists with openings for individual therapy who can help get you started with DBT. We also have a DBT Skills Group for Teens if you have a high schooler who might benefit from these invaluable skills! Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute call with our intake coordinator to learn more.
Meet the Author
Shira Somerstein, LCSW
Shira brings a wealth of experience and compassion to her clients. Shira specializes in teens, college students, and adults who struggle with life transitions, emotion regulation, history of trauma or abuse, general anxiety, and more. Shira also specializes in DBT and runs our Virtual DBT Skills Group for Teens.